Job + Money + Health = Little Christian Life?

For years now, I have lived a so-called Christian life.  It was comfortable.  I worked as a lawyer and made plenty of money.  I never thought of myself as lavish, but  I could afford to casually drop $1,000 for my 12 year old son to play on a soccer team.  Sounds lavish.  Often my family went out to eat when we had plenty of good food at home – sometimes we might easily spend $300 on eating out in a single month.  Sounds lavish.  Bought a flat screen television – not a top end model, but still probably $600 or $700.  Sounds lavish.

I always paid my bills on time.  I worked hard.  Taught Sunday school.  Pillar of the community kind of thing.  Gave to church regularly.  My wife and I gave to charities again and again.  We weren’t stingy in that way.  Oh, it felt so Christian.  Oh, I was such a good little Christian giver and lived such a nice little Christian life.

I never felt like God owed me.  It was easy to feel “blessed” when life was comfortable. 

Now, after having lost my job, after spending six months searching for new employment, after getting one, lonely interview that went nowhere, after burning off just about every dime, nothing is comfortable.  Quite the opposite, discomfort is the flavor of the month.  I send out resumes galore but, for reasons unclear to me, I’m unacceptable to most employers for jobs that would make sense for me and for them.  Nothing is working out, after years of pretty much everything working out.

Blessed?  Blessed?  You want me to feel blessed under these circumstances?  I moved to Louisville to attend seminary.  Now I find myself in a position where I must stop taking classes because I can’t afford it.  Blessed?  I’m terrified that I won’t be able to pay for my health insurance, which is utterly essential for us to afford certain very necessary medications for my wife.  Blessed?  My manhood has all but been eviscerated, as it appears I cannot provide for my family.  I’m not asking for excess, just enough to get what we need, but even that seems too much for God right now.  Blessed?  By any worldly standard, my life is falling apart.  I’m a 51 year old man with seven years of education beyond high school and 30+ years working experience but no one seems interested in hiring me.  My wife and sons and daughter in law are not getting the kind of husband and dad they ought to be getting, because I’ve been wallowing in self-pity over my circumstances.  Too often I have comforted myself with the “look what I gave up for you God” mentality – as if God needed me to give up anything in order to do what He wants done.

The haze of Christian comfortableness has swallowed up my understanding of blessedness.

I read the diary of David Brainerd a while back.  He was a missionary among the American Indians in the 1740’s.  He suffered from serious physical maladies (likely tuberculosis), loneliness, and probably a form of depression.  Yet, he persevered.  His diary reflects a man convinced of the goodness of God, no matter what his circumstances.  It’s embarrassing to be a 21^st century American Christian, whining as much as I do about so many things that don’t matter.  Do I have food? Yes.  Do I have a family that loves me and cares about me? Yes.  Do I have an assurance of eternal life with the God of the universe, ultimately worshipping with the saints in heaven forever in a way that is light years more expansive, excellent, and exuberant than anything I’ve ever experienced on earth? Yes.  Seriously, how much more do I really, truly NEED?

Blessed?  Yes.  Unequivocally, emphatically, most assuredly, unquestionably, mightily, eternally blessed!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some super-Christian in the front row at church with my hands up singing like all is well in the world, telling everyone that life is grand, and that none of this matters because I know God is in control and he has a plan and all will work out.  No, right now I’m disappointed with God because He doesn’t seem to be doing what I need Him to do. 

Comparisons are dangerous, but measuring by Brainerd’s example, I have forgone nothing, lived weakly, seen so dimly, experienced joy only intermittently, and missed out oh so often on the abundance of joy through Christ I ought to experience every day.  Not the Joel Osteen “every day is a Friday” nonsense.  That’s way too shallow for our God.  I want the David Brainerd variety – the I’m dying of tuberculosis, half-starved, depressed, cold, and lonely but still absolutely certain of God’s undying love for me joy.  What a worldly, pathetic Christian I have been for much too long. 

Blessed means God loves me even when I’m unlovable.  Blessed means God cares about me, even when I’m mad at Him.  Blessed means no matter how difficult my circumstances appear to the world and to me, God suffices to sustain me.  Blessed means God reached into time and space and offered himself as the means of paying the penalty for all my outrageous sins.  Blessed means I get to call Jesus, the God-man, the king of the universe, not just savior, but friend.  Blessed means the Holy Spirit actually takes up residence in the sin-enslaved shell I call me.  How much more blessed can one man be?  The God of the universe cares about me: one person among the 7 billion on this planet, amid billions of galaxies with billions of stars and billions of planets but He cares about me!  God is lavish with me beyond my understanding of lavishness.

I’m reminded of words from an old hymn I’ve sung so many times over the years:

So, amid the conflict whether great or small,     
Do not be discouraged, God is over all;
Count your many blessings, angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.