Since names have become offensive, I have a simple solution.
First, we have to start with the states and their smaller
units, such as counties and cities and towns and boroughs and so forth. Each state will be named State One, State
Two, State Three and so on based on when the state was admitted into the country. Smaller units in each state will also be
numbered in whatever order seems appropriate to the state by population or by
any other method. City one, city two,
and so forth. For instance, you might
have in the state formerly known as Delaware, something like this: State One,
City Three. Streets will, of course,
require renaming as well. I suppose
names like Main Street and similar such banalities can stay, but that will require
very close observation. Perhaps streets
named after trees would be okay. But let’s
not go crazy here. The idea is to rid
ourselves of anything that could be considered offensive.
Second, we’ll have to get rid of all names for people. I mean we can’t have people naming their
children grossly offensive names like Jacob and Rebecca (both biblical) or
other equally offensive names. So we
will call them by unit designations such as Unit A, Unit B and so forth, adding
numbers and letters and numerals to distinguish. So someone with the last name Smith would
have UnitS1 as their last name. Smith is the most common last name starting with
S, which is why it gets the S1 designation.
UnitJ1 would be Johnson. This is
sooo easy. Parents would give children
first and middle letters with appropriate numbers to distinguish them. A standard name might be A1B1S1. Of course, just like now, we can distinguish
the various A1B1S1’s by birthday and social security number.
Third, this will solve the sports name dilemma. For instance, the New York Giants and New
York Jets would now be State Three (New Jersey), City 3 (I picked 3 arbitrarily)
Footballers 1 and State Three, City 3 Footballers 2. (The Jets will be 2, of course, given their
overall lack of performance compared to the Giants). The term Footballers functionally describes
what they do. Basketball teams would be
called Basketballers, baseball teams would be called baseballers and so forth.
This idea can go on and on.
State governments could sell rights to be auto mechanic one or gas
station one or fast food restaurant one.
I know there will be some inevitable kinks in this system, but I think
we can work them out. Let’s put some of
that good ol’ Group of 50 States ingenuity to work here.
You see how fun this is and how exceedingly non-oppressive
and non-offensive all this is, right? Why
didn’t we do this years ago? Look at all
the problems we’d solve. Everyone would immediately
be so much happier and so much more well behaved, thoughtful, generous, decent,
kind and all other adjectives that describe the ultimately good person. We could, of course, then immediately defund
the police since all crime would stop.
We could get rid of psychiatrists and psychologists since everyone would
automatically stop having any sort of mental ailments. School would take so much less time since who
cares about history in light of the new and improved us. Plus, we’d need many fewer words so English
classes could be cut down. I better stop
now before I think of any more of the sensational and beautiful benefits this
great new system will generate.
Let’s all join in and sing our new Group of 50 States song
which also contains our new national bird: Fly, Robin, Fly (because the eagle
is a symbol of the Nazis, even though it was the American bird and American symbol LONG
before the Nazis were a germ of an idea in anyone’s head).
I can’t wait.
