I AM Superman because I self-identify as Superman

Angel Soft recently produced a commercial which has people telling their single mothers “Happy Father’s Day.”  Have we really come to this?

I understand the sentiment, since many people have grown up with single mothers having to carry a burdensome load and doing remarkable jobs bringing up their children in an ever deteriorating culture.  But Moms are not Dads, right? 

DISCLAIMER:  My mom is probably the most wonderful human being I have ever known.  For Mother’s Day, I wrote a post celebrating her qualities A Mom Who is Just Like Jesus.  Her qualities speak for themselves.  But she was not my dad. 

Now, back to the commentary.  No, I’m not going to go on some binge about how awful Angel Soft is for doing this.  The commercial has an inspiring message about mothers doing the best they could under difficult circumstances.  But the underlying message seems to be that moms can be dads.  I guess if Bruce Jenner can be a woman and Rachel Dolezal can be black then moms can be dads.  This reminds me of Doug Henning, the late magician who used to say something like “reality is illusion and illusion is reality.”  Doug was, apparently, more right than he knew.  We can now decide for ourselves what we are, whether it’s illusion or reality.

So I guess we can end Mother’s Day and Father’s Day and just have Parent’s Day, right?  Better yet, let’s just have People Day, where we “celebrate” people in “whatever form” those people come.  Even if it’s your Pomeranian, since you “believe” Poopsy is a person, he is a person.  Better yet, let’s just have Animate Beings Day, then we can celebrate every living thing that is higher than a protozoan.  You know what, let’s just include everything and we’ll have Things Day.  Now Angel Soft can have a commercial in which a rock just sits there and says nothing, but a voice over comes on and says in a deep voice “I am so glad the universe exists and I was spewed out of volcanic eruption.  It’s great to be a rock.”  Now we’re celebrating all possible people, animals, cellular organisms, living things, and inanimate objects.  As Dash in the movie “The Incredibles” told his mom “if everyone is special, no one is special.”

My concern is in our desire to be “fair” and “concerned” and “kind” we are really doing just the opposite.  We are trying to wipe out all possible differences among people as if that makes those differences go away.  Those who preach this kind of dogma better prepare themselves for the ramifications, which are significant and consequential.

For instance, wiping out differences between men and women means that Title IX, the much-loved law that requires colleges to have equality among men’s and women’s programs, goes out the window, right?  I am calling for men to be allowed to compete for spots on the women’s sports teams, immediately.  Moms are dads, after all, and, therefore, women ought to have to compete on a level playing field for spots, including much coveted scholarships that go with those spots.  Quotas of any kind should immediately be disbanded.  Moms are dads, after all.  Let’s make clear that since anybody can be any other body, then all laws aimed at discrimination no longer matter, right?  I mean if Rachel Dolezal “identifies as black” and some other person who is black “identifies as Asian” and so many men are “identifying as women” then discrimination doesn’t make sense.  If you discriminate against me because I’m a man, I’ll just decide to be a woman.  If you discriminate against me because of my race, I’ll change my race.  If you discriminate against me because of my physical characteristics, I’ll identify as something else.  Moreover, can't I self-identify at will, whenever I want?  I can switch back and forth as the mood strikes me, right?  Who gets to say I can't?

Wow, I just had an epiphany while writing this post.  I’ll identify as Superman!  Yes, America (and the world!) I’m Superman.  I identify as Superman.  I’m feeling all man of steely right now.  It doesn’t matter that I can’t fly, that I’m not super strong, and that I don’t have x-ray vision, right?  I mean if I “identify” as Superman, then I am he, correct?  Isn’t that how this “identifying” thing works?  Who gets to say I’m not Superman?  None of you get to tell me I’m not the man of steel, right?

Gosh, the things that I will be able to do.  First, ISIS better watch out.  Second, Iraq you're next.  Third, Keith Olbermann, oh your mouth could use a bar of Dial.  Finally, Joel Klinkenberg from eight grade – dude, you don’t know what’s coming!

Okay, I’ll leave Joel out of this.  It’s not his fault I was a pugnacious little jerk. 

Back to earth.  I can’t just “identify” as something just because that’s what I believe I want.  Moms can’t be Dads.  Why is that such a problem?  There is a very small fraction of people who have true physical or mental “identity” issues.  We don’t change everything because of a few people.  We treat such folks with kindness, compassion, decency and respect.  But we don’t start pretending that all differences are irrelevant or immaterial or that we can wish them away.  Bruce Jenner will always be chromosomally male.  All the surgery, and hormones, and make up won’t fix that for him.  Rachel Dolezal will always be Caucasian.  All the hair weaves and skin darkening won’t change that because it’s part of her DNA.

Moms aren’t Dads.  Men aren’t women.  White people aren’t black people.  Roses aren’t Petunias.  Dogs aren’t cats.  

But wait: breaking news, Justice Anthony Kennedy just determined there is a constitutional right for us to all self-identify in whatever way we see fit.  Brilliant: so it turns out I really am Superman?